jewelryboxing & W1L 012: Write one leaf about something you can't live without.

My grandma gave me these rings in January. Actually, she brought out a bunch of jewelry and told my cousin and mom and aunt to go at it, and it was generally agreed that I look much better in yellow gold than in silver or white gold, and as the youngest one there, I was given the most old-fashioned looking ones in the hopes that my youth would outshine their dowdiness.

For those of you who can't read Chinese, the writing translates to "happy/happiness." I must admit, this ring is so Chinese I don't think I can even figure out how to incorporate it into an outfit.

This ring, on the other hand (PUN!), I'd be wearing all the time if I weren't so afraid of scratching it (and if it were small enough for my ring finger).

Here's some Hugo.

W1L 012: Write one leaf about something you can't live without.

This is an unedited version of my original response to this prompt, written in March 2010.

Ten years ago, if you asked me what I couldn’t live without, I would’ve told you I couldn’t live without books, because the girls I hung out with spent a lot of their time and effort making me feel out of place and like an oddity, and my family life had been drastically upset fairly recently by the death of my father, and, well, there wasn’t a lot else to think about when I was nine, and books didn’t judge you, books made you part of a secret society that you could use to exclude other people instead of excluding you because you didn’t fucking want to buy anything pink or sparkly, words were magic magic, and they were the only way to get completely toxic feelings out of my body. So toxic that when I went back to my oldest diary earlier this year, I started reading but felt the paralysis of those familiar preteen feelings of My life is awful, nobody understands what the hell I’m thinking, I hate people and want to do violent things to them, and I ripped all the pages out, ran them through a shredder, and threw the cover in the garbage disposal.

Five years ago, if you asked me what I couldn’t live without, I would’ve said clothes, because they were the first thing you saw and the most direct way to leave a first impression. They were also practical. I wasn’t. At the age of fourteen, I was researching fashion design schools and spending more time in my closet planning out how I would look to the world tomorrow than with my brother, whom I had already lost touch with half my lifetime ago, and I probably would have eaten clothes if they had any nutritional value before I would have had lunch with my brother.

Three years ago, if you asked me what I couldn’t live without, I would’ve told you theater, because it was the only thing that consistently challenged me and made me uncomfortable and in awe, and the only thing I looked forward to some days, and the thing I decided was more important than doing volunteer work for my transcript, and a place where I had total control over what I wanted to create. I would’ve told you it was the most important thing that I had ever had the fortune of stumbling my way into, and that it had changed who I was and what I thought my limits were and my conception of what friendship was and was where I did my best work because nobody told me what to do.

Two years ago, if you asked me what I couldn’t live without, I would’ve bet the rest of my life on my friends, even if I always said that I never knew what was going to happen to us in the future, because I thought they were the forces that had shaped me and let me grow into a golden college applicant, and a girl, a confident one, and they were the support system I had chosen and we had gone through the ugliest parts of our lives so far together, and they still liked me despite everything and all the ways we had hurt each other.

A year ago I would’ve told you that I couldn’t live without my family, because my decision to attend Cal undeclared over UCLA for theater was about practicality, and sensibility, and not screwing us over when I graduated, and maybe for fear of not being able to see my safety net if I wandered too far from home, even if I knew it was there.

If you asked me today what I couldn’t live without, I couldn’t tell you. Lately I’ve been entertaining the idea that the only person you can rely on is yourself; you just have to find your own way to work the system. I don’t know. There’s not a lot that I think I know anymore. So I’m just going to go with what I’d actually still need if things fell apart: oxygen.

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l'hospital's rule: no children under 12 allowed in the ICU

I am mostly posting this because I know the end of January is coming up soon, and it would be absolutely disgraceful and dishonorable, and the Society of Self-Absorbed Twenty-Somethings would revoke my membership, if I had more than one Things I Love post on my front page.

Here are a few outfits, in case you were wondering what a fashion blogger (am I one of those, really?) wears for all-day visits to the hospital, and a pair of earrings I bought for my mom.

Starting with this outfit built around the monstrosity of a t-shirt my brother gifted me, accompanied by 9-year-old Girl From Hong Kong Double Peace Signs:

Above, pink longsleeve: Target. Bunny t-shirt: YesStyle, gift. Gray cardigan: Uniqlo. Floral shorts: DIY. Hot pink tights: DKNY. Lace-up boots: Steven by Steve Madden. I'm surprised the hospital staff didn't card me or something while I was wearing this. DO I EVEN LOOK OLDER THAN TWELVE WHEN I HAVE A BUNNY ON MY SHIRT? DO I?

This is sort of a terrible outfit because it is unbelievably unflattering, not helped by the unbelievably unflattering combination of rahh-monster pose and GODJEERAAA!!! facial expression.

Above, polo shirt: American Eagle, brother's. Black zip-up hoodie: senior class sweatshirt. Plaid coat: delia's, gift. Striped sweater dress: H&M. Black and white striped knee socks: gift. Boots: Steven by Steve Madden.

Anyway.

Here's another terrible outfit that I actually kind of sort of am in love with an indecent amount, despite the combination of polka dots, stripes, and two kinds of plaid, and by "indecent amount," I mean "I propose that I strew the sidewalk with rose petals and singing, large-eyed woodland creatures so that we may copulate in public with the blessing of our Mother Nature."

Above, red plaid coat: delia's, gift. Yellow polka-dotted thing: hand-me-down. Leggings: gift. Striped socks: gift. Plaid shoes: Keds.

And the earrings, which are pretty frickin' stunning in person, if you ask me:

Above, symmetrical earrings from MiaMontgomery on etsy. I say "symmetrical" because a lot of her products are asymmetrical. (They are very, very pretty either way and absolutely worth the spendy price tag. Highly recommend, especially for gifts.)

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a catch-up post: stuff i bought and #reverb10, December 9 - 12

Holy crap. Here's stuff I bought ages ago. For my mom's birthday, caramel apples from DaisyandDelilah:

To be honest, the caramel was hard instead of tacky like I was expecting, so it was kind of a disappointment. However, the service was good, and there were 4 different apples: regular caramel, caramel with peanuts, bourbon caramel, and dark chocolate with sea salt. I couldn't say no.

Two dresses from Target, because they were on clearance. I was really surprised there were so many left. Why wouldn't you buy these?

Generic functional underwear (I am really proud of myself, you guys) from macy's, two longsleeve tees from Target, and two pairs of socks from Target.

Above, Dr. Bronner's lip balm from Target. Neutrogena lip balm and gloss-thing from Walgreen's. (I like greasy lip balm, okay?) And an e.l.f. eyeliner. (The pewter's not that vivid, but it's beautiful how soft it is, and the built-in sharpener is perfect.)

Some very late #reverb10 prompts after the jump.

PROMPT FOR DECEMBER 9, 2010: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

The one where I am betrayed by someone I trusted with my life. (The one where I find out that my tutor wasn’t actually going to have dinner with my TA, which means that my tutor lied in an attempt to get me to spend time with him, so it’s a really good thing I didn’t say yes to join him.)

The one where I use my Krav Maga skills to fend off a would-be sexual predator. (The one where some dude named Adam touches my leg too much while I sit on Memorial Glade not playing Frisbee, and I attempt to talk about castrating bulls to suggest that maybe I don’t like his wandering hands.)

The one where we learn how to joust. (The one where we flip chopsticks around our fingers without poking each other’s eyes out. Or in.)

The one where a cute French boy asks if I want to go up to see his room. (The one where a cute French boy lets us extend our class get-together into the wee hours of the morning by inviting us all over to his dorm, which happens to be the one where I lived my freshman year.)

The one where Lady Gaga serenades me with an acoustic rendition of “Monster.” (The one where I listen to someone who can play by ear play that song from Amélie while listening to it, with only about ten seconds’ delay.)

The one where my pride comes crashing down like a game of Jenga. (The one where my team gets owned in Pictionary and I am told to suck it.)

The one where I am accused of being a homewrecker. (The one where I am accused of making puppy dog eyes at my lecturer. For the record, I was. I wanted to play Pictionary.)

The one where I manage not to vomit after winning a statewide donut-eating contest. (The one where I want to throw up after eating King Pin donut holes at 2 AM.)

The one where I betray my country. (The one where my facial expressions make it too obvious that both my TA and lab partner have wandered off into the dark together and stopped answering their phones.)

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PROMPT FOR DECEMBER 10, 2010: Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

I think this is cheating.

In January, I dropped money on my first pair of leather boots and confidently wore the shit out of them, knowing that they wouldn't fall apart.

In February, I started Write One Leaf as a pet project without anticipating that it would be such an important personal endeavor.

In March, I performed some symbolic actions to represent my decision to jump off my metaphorical cliff and prepare to fail summer classes for a major I was hesitant about.

In April, I tried pin curls and felt okay about how I looked for the first time in the nine or so months since I started growing out my pixie cut.

In May, I deleted my Facebook account.

In June, I chose my computer science login to be "bj" because it was memorable, like I hoped I would be.

In July, I chose to finish my summer classes instead of running away from them just because I didn't like the feeling of failure.

In August, I decided to accept failing on a regular basis and continue doing computer science in the fall.

In September, I skipped sleep and a shower so I could see Sunshine, Aaron, and Victoria. Some people are like coffee, the way they leave you energized but heading for a crash. But those three are like... like hot chocolate.

In October, I decided to stop doing computer science.

In November, I started Write One Leaf again.

In December, I decided to stop spending my energy on things I don't really care about.

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NOTE: Awkwardly enough, I wrote two responses for this prompt because I forgot I had saved the first one somewhere. Here's the second response. Sorry.

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In 2010, I threw myself off the edge of a few cliffs, with the confidence that either there would be something to catch me or I would grow wings on the way down.

I tentatively embraced computer science for ten months before it became clear to both parties involved that the promise of financial stability is a poor foundation for relationship compatibility, even if we liked each other a lot. Like is not love, and being unwilling to slog through the hard times together is not love, and crying yourself to sleep thinking you aren’t good enough is not love, and neither is being lonely in a room full of friends or knowing what your future together looks like and panicking. I jumped from my nest of cozy, coast-y academic success and plummeted into an abyss of apathy and tears, which made me hesitate to call this The Right Decision. Nothing caught me on the way down, though a few people tried, and for that I am grateful. But I didn’t grow wings either. I am pretty sure this is because it was Not How The Good Lord Intended For Me To Go, but I’m glad to have tried it. And now I know.

I started writing earnestly ten months ago, something I hadn’t done in years, like a wound I had smothered in bandages and was letting breathe again. I can’t tell if I’m good enough. I must not be, because nobody’s copied or criticized me yet. But I like to think that I am growing wings on the way down, and as soon as I decide what enormous, ambitious project to start, I will know if I can fly.

And I let go of computer science and decided to go forth and be screwed with a linguistics degree. I doubt anyone will catch me this time. I doubt anyone will even try, so I am building my wings on the way down because I trust my mind more than I trust my body to erupt into feathers.

That reminds me – I need to watch Black Swan.

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PROMPT FOR DECEMBER 11, 2010: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. Being a chronic oversharer, in real life and online. Time to stop throwing up on people and the internet. My personal diary looks pretty forlorn these days, so I’ll squirrel things away in there instead and keep those for myself.


2. Fear of failure. My solution: fake it. And remember that I’m going to die, and so will everyone I love.


3. Having a maximalist wardrobe, full of clothes I don’t like, clothes that don’t fit, clothes that can only be worn one way, and clothes I can’t figure out how to wear. I’ll throw anything with nice enough fabric into my to-be-fixed/sewing-failures pile to work on my hand-sewing and altering skills. Everything else gets donated. My general intention is for my 2011 wardrobe to consist of utilitarian items of neutral clothing, with punchy accent colors (jewel tones!) and excessories.


4. Increasing my wardrobe with fake investment items, dry-clean only clothes, uncomfortable functionless underwear (I understand that most functionless underwear is not meant to be worn for long, but COME ON, if wearing it under a regular outfit is supposed to be my little secret, it could at least not ride up and necessitate public wedgie picking), and All The Cool Kids AKA Bloggers Are Doing It items (aka clogs and any other remotely impractical shoes). On that note, CAN ADD: White Doc Martens (the half-calf kind, perhaps with hot pink laces) for stomping around, knee high socks (I don’t think I will ever be fully comfortable in thigh highs), t-shirts (yes, seriously), and vintage costume jewelry (and things of that ilk).


5. Unstructured internet surfing time. I’ll structure it. Frankly, I don’t need to read any more advice on how to please my nonexistent man, or how to make him my bitch, or how to meet his parents. I don’t want to watch any more cat videos or see any more innovative business card designs because I am not a cat person or a graphic designer. I am cutting the stuff I don’t care about.


6. Sitting on my butt, because chub is almost never fun, unless you’re that guy on Anoncon who posted about grabbing chub as a substitute for boobs if a girl has almost nothing to hold on to otherwise. And because all this sitting around is probably the reason for these mysterious chest pains and lightheadedness and heavy periods and migraines. I’m not sure how this is going to work, because I’m not a gym kind of person… Maybe vigorous housework and studying on campus. Ew, studying on campus. At least it would force me to haul myself out of the apartment.


7. Comparing myself to others, in real life and online. Nobody I’ve encountered has the same story as mine, so it makes no sense to make comparisons. I’m declaring that it’s okay to use other people as benchmarks, and that structured competition is okay, but it is not okay to wonder why I’m not as successful as [superstar of choice].


8. People I don’t want to spend time with/on/near/around, by practicing The Art of Radical Exclusion. Fewer entries on my expense sheet categorized as “eating out,” which indicates frivolous spending, in exchange for more that say “wellness,” for those people who leave me feeling more energized or thoughtful than when we met. I am cutting you out, naysayers and time-wasters and energy leeches.


9. Off-day outfits. There is no such thing as an off-day to the casual observer. I refuse to allow such things to exist in my sartorial vocabulary, so anything I glom together should be practical and look cohesive. Possible solution: adopt a uniform.


10. Going to bed after midnight, which I’ve been trying to remedy for a while, but life keeps getting in the way. I don’t think this is feasible until I have a regular class schedule, though, so I won’t push this until school starts. “Bed by 11, up by 7.”


11. Awful hair. I’ve had awful hair for more than a year, and now I have mediocre hair. I think it’s time to step it up in 2011. I’m thinking color before anything else. And I’m thinking a Creatures of the Deep color scheme to break in my virgin hair.
    

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PROMPT FOR DECEMBER 12, 2010: Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

I don’t have anything to say about this prompt, so perhaps you should read this one instead:

reverb10: Body Integration (this prompt was truly a gift...thank you)

But that’s cheating, so here is what I want to say: I don’t think of my mind and body as separate. Especially not after that damned CogSci class that told me TIME IS AN ILLUSION and CAUSE AND EFFECT ARE AN ILLUSION and I AM JUST THE SUM OF NEURONS FIRING and GREAT METAPHORS ARE JUST EXTENSIONS OF OUR BODILY UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD, SO GREAT LITERATURE IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

Now would be an appropriate time to quote Dumbledore.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?”

Have I used up enough words yet? Because this prompt sucks. I guess I am acutely aware of my body when I am doing things like inserting tampons, or suffering from a cold, or stepping into a hot shower and watching the grayness withdraw from my toes, but mind is body. (This is a one-way equation, because body is not mind, but mind sure as hell is just as physically-based as body.)

Actually, you know what? I can answer this prompt.

This year, I felt the most integrated with my body that time when I was alive. I did not have a moment where I was not mind and body and simply a cohesive ME, alive and present.

This is probably the worst prompt my mind and body, which are integrated, have come across yet.

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My brother either thinks I am 9 years old or that I live in Korea or Hong Kong.

How am I going to wear these. How.

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metallurgy

I ordered from alloy for the first time a few weeks ago, because I felt the need to materially reward myself for finishing summer school without giving up. (Plus, it was well-priced and I wanted shorts.) I expected, you know, about the same as I expect from delia's, but sadly enough I think the quality's even worse. For example.

I spent at least twenty minutes hand-washing the above shorts before the water stopped running bright blue with dye. And then the fabric on one of the fabric-covered buttons ripped off completely.

As for this skirt, I haven't worn it yet, but the material is just really shitty. I guess I shouldn't have expected it to be lined, either.

These shorts are fine, except for the fact that the button on the fly fell off after about an hour, and that I can hear the fabric crunching every time I sit down.

I mean, I guess I don't really fall under the target demographic for these tween-teen catalog-based shopping sites anymore, but I am pretty disappointed.

Or maybe it's just that I never buy warm-weather clothes and don't know what good summery materials should feel/look/sound like.

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recent acquisitions

Sweater and belt: $4.50.

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the other side

After disappearing off the face of the internet for a good two weeks, I contemplated how to stage my return. I considered fanfare, an entourage of a thousand skinny white boys with short-in-the-back, long-in-the-front haircuts, and a caravan of albino elephants.

Barring that, I could either jump back into my normal rhythm of a post a day, or I could compose one massive summary post for the summer (aha! A summery post!). Since I want to reassess this blog and my reasons for blogging (again), I decided on a massive post. So here you go, 2.5 readers:

1. I have finished my summer classes. In typical Sam fashion, I celebrated by i) taking a long-ass shower, ii) crying, iii) buying myself clothes, and iv) buying myself new reading material. Our grades aren't in yet, but I've already resolved to not care what I get. As I said to George, my (amazeballs) lecturer, this has been the best and worst summer of my life. Gmail screencaps to summarize:
   



2. I'd like to apologize for failing to regularly photograph my outfits for the past eight weeks, but I don't think you guys would've appreciated seeing me wear combinations of 4 pairs of jeans × 12 t-shirts × 3 hoodies × 2 pairs of shoes over and over.
   


3. Recent acquisitions:
   
   
Above, aerie by American Eagle, from a split online order with Kim, because underwear shopping is how my apartment bonds.

Above, Equus and Ron Weasley t-shirts, courtesy of Alice. ♥

Above, a shit-ton of Tylenol, in addition to a shit-ton of prepared food and Vitamin C Monsters, because I haven't found time to cook at all.

Above, a new pair of Forever21 skinnies that are incredibly tight. I hope they're not secretly jeggings, but I can't really tell...

Above, Forever21 socks and royal blue tights.



4. I have another $60 giveaway from CSN coming up for you kids.
   


5. I wore this on July 4th to look like an alien as I ate In 'N' Out and watched fireworks with people I love:


6. I want to change the name of my blog to something I won't be embarrassed to tell people about. I'm thinking "grotescue" (as a gross misspelling of "grotesque," meaning "fantastically ugly"). But I don't want to change it until I have a clear idea of what exactly I want to put on my blog (only personal style? Things I want to buy? How I feel? Things I've written? A scheduled combination of those things?). I also want to change my layout. Again. Typical.
   


7. Things I Love, Summer 2010, Condensed Version
   


• (car (cons 'Stephanie 'Samantha))
  
• Tony, who has been, for lack of a better metaphor, like the point in the room that dancers spot when doing turns and spins
  
• Steven, who is unreasonably generous and kind, and who randomly brings me non-dairy food
  
• George, whom I wish the best of life, love, and luck as he moves to New York for the next chapter of his life, and who a) averages 1 set per game of Set, b) is incredibly considerate, c) cracks me up, d) is giant, e) humors undergrads with ambitious project proposals, and f) is a cruel, cruel taskmaster who teaches a superset of past 61A course material instead of a subset
  
• Eric, who is really good at Taboo and Pictionary and shares my love for the Alot


Above, the Alot from Hyperbole and a Half


• Jon, who has the best and worst puns I have ever heard, and who is just really, really good at teaching
  
• Sesh, who is so sweet and helpful, and who is a baby
  
• Carrie, not least of all for dancing lessons, organizing Operation Lambda Bang, and girl talk at 3 AM
  
• Ben, who knows pretty much every musical ever and isn't afraid to sing along, likes social dancing, and is interested in signal processing
  
• Jay, whose two biggest unrealistic aspirations are the exact same as mine (being paid for creative writing, and being able to sing)
  
• Set, the card game, and the surreal experience of watching Dan and Sylvan play (for them, recognizing a set is pretty much instant)
• Soda and Cory, two buildings I never thought I would develop any fondness for
  
• 2 AM donut runs
  
• crashing at Stephanie's place
• getting owned by George at Pictionary, and then being told, in reciprocity, to SUCK IT
  
• the collaborative nature of CS
• Stephanie and my modified version of the 2nd project, a text-based adventure game that we decided to dub Project Tang/Tang World in honor of our TA, the star of the game, and the fact that George wanted to release it for the rest of the class to play
  
• the staff singing a 61A version of "I Kissed A Girl" (recursion is so magical, recursion is so magical, recursion is so magical!)
  
• syncing to my lab partner
• elegant code
• Bobby, who came into office hours one day, forcefully planted a little ceramic pot on the table, and demanded, before he would gift his creation to his girlfriend, "WOMEN! I NEED AN OPINION!"
  
• Jaimie and Jessica!
  
• that saying things like "If the intersection of our available times is the empty set..." is normal again
  
• Will, Spenser, Lincoln, Jessie
• Inception, and the fact that "JGL is like Taylor Lautner for nerds"
  
• really good small talk with cashiers
• Steven's roommate, Ravi, who crash-tutored me in math before my midterm and whose baked goods are amazing
• people who catch me (literally, as in Stephanie during our trust fall, and figuratively, as in Stephanie and lots of other people this summer)


8. It actually hasn't even been hot in Berkeley yet (it's been chilly in the morning and pleasantly warm in the afternoons), so I haven't exactly debuted my idealized summer wardrobe. But by the second or third week of school, it should be unbearably warm. Fingers crossed! (Wow, I've never said that about warm weather before.)
   


9. I wore this to laugh at Will as he ate his own words about doing what you love and to quietly contemplate, full of worry, whether or not he was right:
   


10. I am currently...

Reading: The Talented Mr. Ripley by Patricia Highsmith, at Steven's recommendation
Eating: veggie chips, porridge, and sushi
Doing: concentrated mental vegetation
Thinking: I have no idea what to do with myself now that I have more than an hour of free time.
Wearing: the same thing I woke up wearing
Craving: white blouses, a dark gray zip-up hoodie, black skirts


11. Things that have been burrowing their way into my head lately:

I don't know why, but Darren Criss is insanely sexy in the above video.




I've decided that Bruno Mars is one of those singers whose voices I like so much I can't stand to listen to covers of his songs. Jason Mraz is another. I'm such a tool.


Because I like my lab partner's taste in music.




Courtesy of Carrie.

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haul

I love being one of the babies in my extended family because I get all the best hand-me-downs.

Yeah, I'm pretty excited for that polka-dotted thing.

I may or may not look like I walked off the set of Clueless come fall. (I've never seen Clueless.)

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fate steps in and sees you through

MY GRAY THIGH-HIGH DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE. Today I am thankful that SockDreams miraculously had extra pairs of their Super Basics in a charcoal small lying around in their warehouse.

They stay up REALLY well. And go higher than the bottom hem of my underskirt shorts. That is how long they are. STUPENDOUS! BEFUDDLING! BAMBOOZLING!

I also bought these little socks to wear this summer with bare legs so I can stop borrowing my mom's socks:

Basically,

I also bought this from Ross for $5.50:

Awful? Awesome? Both? YOU KNOW IT.

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