Variation III: Lighten Up, You Wanker
Disclaimer: My neck is slightly less paper-white IRL.
Trench coat: FoxRun, hand-me-down, mother's. Scarf: The Met Museum Store. Longsleeve: Apt 9. Tights: H&M. Plaid shoes: Keds. Rings: estate sale & hand-me-down, grandmother's.
I know it's only two days into Script Frenzy, but it's Saturday, so here's an old script.
I wrote this when I was 16, and I still like it, so if you have about eight minutes, I'd be chuffed if you read it.
(By the way, if this post shows up re-posted at a domain containing "a large space" in the url, they've been splogging my blog for a while now, and I have no idea how to get in contact with the owners of the domain. It's kind of irritating. So I hope this shows up on your splog, douchebags.)
This Is A Play
(A giant box labeled Y is onstage, off-center toward stage left. It's supposed to resemble a gigantic alphabet block, like the kind babies play with. PLAYWRIGHT is already hidden inside Box Y. All PLAYERS wear all black.)
(PLAYER 1 has a small musical instrument like a harmonica in her pocket. PLAYER 1 enters from stage right and sets a metronome on Box Y, then turns it on to a moderate setting. Walks center stage. Count the next part in 4 beats.)
PLAYER 1: (Takes out red yo-yo. Rhythmically yo-yo-ing and speaking.) This is a play. (beat-beat) This is a play. (beat-beat) This is a play. (beat-beat) This is a play. (beat-beat) This is a play.
PLAYER 2: (from offstage) A what?
PLAYER 1: A play.
PLAYER 2: A what?
PLAYER 1: A play.
PLAYER 2: Oh, a play!
PLAYER 1: This is a play. This is a play. This is a play. This is a play.
(PLAYER 1 freezes. PLAYER 2 enters from stage left carrying a basketball, walks to the metronome, turns it off, puts it in pocket. Walks to PLAYER 1, removes the yo-yo. Dribbles basketball in same rhythm as the metronome before.)
PLAYER 2: This is a play.
(PLAYER 1 becomes animated, trying to screen PLAYER 2. PLAYER 2 feints and shoots toward stage left. Basketball bounces offstage.)
PLAYER 1: I got it.
(PLAYER 1 runs after ball.)
(PLAYER 2 bends over, catching her breath, hands on thighs.)
PLAYER 2: That was a play.
(PLAYER 2 freezes. PLAYER 3 enters.)
PLAYER 3: This is a play. Me, gee, free, tree, see, he, bee, lee. Might, right, fight, light, sight, plight, kite, tight. One, fun, bun, done, nun, pun, stun, shun, gun, ton, run, sun, (in Chinese) won ton fun.
(PLAYER 3 freezes momentarily while PLAYER 2 unfreezes.)
PLAYER 2: This is a play.
(PLAYERS 2 and 3 pull out Pokemon cards.)
PLAYER 2: I choose you, Pikachu!
PLAYER 3: Kakuna uses harden!
PLAYER 2: Pikachu, thunderlightningelectricboltstrikeshockattack!
PLAYER 3: Kakuna uses harden!
PLAYER 2: A critical hit!
PLAYER 3: Kakuna uses harden!
(PLAYERS 2 and 3 freeze. Re-enter PLAYER 1 from where she ran off.)
PLAYER 1: This is a play. This is a play. This is a play. Foul play! (pulls out knife and stabs PLAYER 3, who collapses to the ground stiffly, somehow keeping a body part in such a position that a small object can be placed on it.)
PLAYER 2: (Immediately after "Foul play") How could you do this!
(PLAYER 1 freezes.)
PLAYER 2: This is a play. (pulls metronome out of own pocket, sets it on PLAYER 3. Reaches into PLAYER 1's pocket and takes out small musical instrument. Turns on metronome. Plays musical instrument.)
(PLAYER 2 freezes in the middle of musical climax or something.)
PLAYER 3: (from the ground) This is a play. (turns off metronome while most of body is still on the ground. Pockets metronome. Stands up. Does a plié while saying) This is plié. (Does plié while saying) This is plié. (Repeat.)
(PLAYERS 1 and 2 join in, doing pliés (plural?) and saying "This is plié" too.)
(DIRECTOR enters from one of the wings.)
DIRECTOR: No! No! (PLAYERS 1, 2, and 3 stop.) People, what are you doing? (PLAYERS 1, 2, and 3 do one plié, saying "This is plié") No! What the - (in mocking, overexaggerated imitation, doing a plié and saying) 'This is plié' - No! What is this? Are you actors or are you actors? What is this? (imitates them again)
(PLAYERS 1, 2, and 3 imitate the DIRECTOR imitating them.)
PLAYERS 1, 2, 3: This is fourplay!
(DIRECTOR throws up hands in exasperation, makes some exasperated noise, and exits, muttering. PLAYERS 1, 2, and 3 shrug at each other.)
PLAYER 1: What now? (holds out hand as if someone might give her something)
PLAYER 2: What do we do? (same hand gesture)
PLAYER 3: I don't know. (same hand gesture, in defeat)
(All three turn their hands palms-down, as if to do a team cheer.)
PLAYER 3: What is this?
(All three lower their hands together, then raise them up and over their heads as if... doing a team cheer)
PLAYERS 1, 2, 3: This is a play!
(PLAYERS 1 and 2 exit in opposite directions.)
(PLAYER 3 takes a coin or small stone out of her pocket, throws it on the ground, and hopscotches around stage with it.)
(PLAYER 2 enters with a hula-hoop)
PLAYER 2: This is a play! (Hula-hoops.)
(PLAYER 1 enters with a video game controller.)
PLAYER 1: This is a play! (Plays.)
(A few seconds of playing and then...)
PLAYER 1: NOOOOO!!!
("PLAYER 1 DEFEATED" from Super Smash Bros. plays. PLAYER 1 slumps in defeat and doesn't move.)
(PLAYER 2 messes up in hula-hooping.)
("PLAYER 2 DEFEATED" from Super Smash Bros. plays. PLAYER 2 hangs head in defeat and doesn't move.)
(PLAYER 3 looks around, notices the fallen players, stops hopping, pulls out blinging necklace, puts on a cap backwards or a beanie, pantomimes looking around in the distance by putting hand to brow and sweeping the audience. Occasionally raises eyebrows or makes the "I'm watching you" hand gesture, or a "call me" hand gesture.)
PLAYER 1: What are you doing?
PLAYER 3: This is a play! (Crossing to PLAYER 1) I'm playing the field!
PLAYER 1: What are you doing?
(By this time, PLAYER 3 has, like, crawled on PLAYER 1. Seductively, of course.)
PLAYER 3: Playing with fire.
PLAYER 2: (in a tone suggesting what she really means to say is "There are children present!") This is a play!
PLAYER 3: Are you all right? After you left to defeat the evil space caribou, I thought I'd never see you again.
PLAYER 1: (on her deathbed) I'm all right... now that you're here.
PLAYER 3: Oh, I'm so glad you're alive! I thought you died!
PLAYER 1: I couldn't die... without seeing you one more time. I... love...
PLAYER 2: Overplayed!
PLAYER 1: (snaps at PLAYER 2) This is a play!
PLAYER 2: This is the truth. Replay!
PLAYER 3: Are you all right? After you left to defeat the evil space caribou, I thought I'd never see you again.
PLAYER 1: Don't play the fool. Of course you'd see me again.
PLAYER 3: Who you calling a fool?
PLAYER 2: You! (points) Points dramatic finger! You couldn't see it, but it was there all along. She doesn't love you. She loves dramatic pause me! (sobbing) Sobs!
PLAYER 3: Is it true?
PLAYER 1: It's true, it's true! I couldn't tell you. Not after you - (sobbing)
PLAYER 3: I can't believe you did this to me! (sobbing)
PLAYER 2: Leave her alone! It's not her fault you're a clingy, annoying, oblivious - (sobbing)
DIRECTOR: (from offstage) Cut! (enters carrying the A box, then the L box, then the P box, putting them down by the Y box in order, spelling PLAY as he says the next part.) Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! Follow the script, people! What are you doing? What do you think I pay you for? Looking pretty? They don't pay me enough for this. What did I tell you about improvising? If you can't even learn your lines, what am I gonna do with you? You know, there are a million people out there dying to be on this very stage and dying to get paid for pretending to be people, so you better get your act together or next thing you know, you'll be playing for pennies in the street! What do you think this is? This is a play! (exits)
PLAYER 1: This is all your fault.
PLAYER 2: What are you talking about? No it's not!
PLAYER 3: Yes it is! You were the one reading your stage directions out loud!
PLAYER 1: Oh, don't you even start, Miss Improv-A-Lot!
PLAYER 3: Maybe if you read the script, you'd know I wasn't improvising anything!
PLAYER 2: You were too improvising, and you threw me completely off!
PLAYER 1: You shut up! You can't even read a script properly -
(PLAYWRIGHT bursts out of Box Y. Loudly. And takes out a stack of paper or notebook, a writing utensil, and an eraser.)
(All three players stop arguing and turn to look at her. She looks at them thoughtfully. She walks around them from behind, then crosses to the P box and puts her paper on it. She kneels and uses the P box as a table. She writes something.)
PLAYER 3: What do you mean fishy?
(PLAYER 2 jumps once.)
PLAYER 1: Hu-ah! (flying jumpkick, or a sad attempt at one)
(PLAYWRIGHT looks at them thoughtfully. Puts her writing utensil down. Picks up eraser. Erases vigorously.)
(PLAYERS 1, 2, and 3 start to go through all the motions they just made, without lines, just doing everything they did but backwards. They babble "This is a play" over and over. About five seconds of reverse action. PLAYWRIGHT stops erasing. PLAYERS freeze. PLAYWRIGHT erases a little more. PLAYERS move backward in time a little more. PLAYWRIGHT picks up script she has been erasing.)
PLAYWRIGHT: This is a play. I'm playing God.
(PLAYWRIGHT rips script in half and all the PLAYERS collapse.)
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