Notes to a 17-year-old Sam

Twenty-six things:

1. If you’re not prepared to transfer schools, stop harping on and on about how you might have chosen the wrong one.


2. You’re lactose-intolerant. And possibly gluten-intolerant.


3. He’s taken, he's gay, he’s also taken, he’s also gay, he’s of a questionable enough orientation that you shouldn’t bother, and he’s married.


4. He’s totally single and straight but not what you’re looking for. Put him in your spank bank and call it a night. If you understand me but don’t get the reference, watch 10 Things I Hate About You. See that cutie trying to woo Bianca? His name may be unfamiliar now, but you’re gonna wanna put that one in your spank bank too, because he’s going to grow up to be Joseph Knickersoaking Gordon-Levitt.


5. College is going to hurt. Arm yourself with a smile, books to shatter your insides, movies to make you cry, music that silences the world, a blank notebook, a ballpoint pen, an RSS reader, an unlimited text plan, Vitamin C Monster, knitting needles, sewing needles, lactase pills, enormous scarves, shoes from somewhere other than Payless, a picture of yourself with long hair, greasy lip balm, and more Tylenol than you think you will ever consume.


6. The sooner you download an IPA font, the happier you will be when doing linguistics homework. On that note, the sooner you take your first linguistics class, the happier you will be.


7. The sooner you take a theater class, the sooner you will get it out of your system.


8. That one also goes in the spank bank.


9. That one goes in your pocket next to your heart. So does that one, and that one, and that one.


10. Don’t buy anything from Crossroads or Buffalo Exchange. You’re going to regret it. Especially the shoes.


11. I know she’s being pushy, but buy the bra. It will fit better than all the other ones you own.


12. Don’t buy the dress. Even if she’s really encouraging. It’s not your style.


13. Eat as many dining hall sweet potato fries and waffles with strawberries as you can.


14. Befriend the misfits because you know you like them. Stop being afraid of being shot down, and stop caring what other people think about who you associate with.


15. Don’t buy the textbook! The whole thing’s online.


16. Watch Spring Awakening when the tour stops at the Curran so you don’t spend the next six months stalking the show.


17. You are not as bad at math as you think you are. Also, your first math GSI is going to have skinny legs and a French accent, and you’re going to draw a cat on a pirate ship on your final exam. You won’t like your second math GSI, but that class will (tangentially) involve fruit cups, baked goods, an Indian man with a smooth jump shot, and moments of stunning clarity. It is going to be awesome, so don’t freak out.


18. Those shorts are really too short.


19. Stop buying drugstore mascara and just get a tube of Imju Fiberwig.


20. If it really bothers you, tell him.


21. Delete your Facebook account. Now. Also, don’t bother joining Chictopia. Don’t change your blog URL. Register for a Paypal account. Sign up for Tumblr and Twitter.


22. You will actually cry over typos. More than once. Please understand that this comes with the package of being a linguistics student, and with the baggage of computer programming.


23. You need to wash your hair exactly twice a week, with normal-people shampoo and conditioner. So have fun experimenting, but your scalp is going to go crazy for a while when you do.


24. You’re not going to do anything with them, but you should take computer science courses and prereqs anyway, because all the cool kids live in Soda and Cory, and the sooner you figure this out, the better.


25. He’s not being wildly inappropriate; he’s just awkward.


26. You will not learn how to accept being lost for a couple of years, so until then, you don’t have to expend so much energy on trying to convince yourself that you’re okay with it when you aren’t.