Sweater: uncle's. Jeans: Levi's 518. Socks: SockDreams. Flats: Kork-Ease Isabel flats. Ring: Forever21.So after the jump is the second script I ever wrote. I'll be honest: I really liked this one when I finished writing it. Now, not so much, because I think the novelty of the jokes wears off after you've had to listen to your own writing a hundred thousand times in rehearsals. (I was in charge of directing it, and it was hellish.) Plus, I think it's only funny if you went to my high school. Anyway. This is intended to be racist, sexist, moderately offensive, and Asian American, or at least one interpretation of it.
I think I was 15 when I wrote this. For the record, the first time I read "Sure Thing" had been two years prior to my writing this, and most of my scripts fall under the category "the kind of script that doesn't require a set" because we were basically a so-low-we-have-no-budget theater group. I would know; I was the production manager.
GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER
[Greatly and obviously inspired by/ripped off of David Ives’ “Sure Thing”]
(MR. and MRS. LI are seated at a table, in a tense silence. One of those really loud ticking clocks ticks menacingly in the background (preferably those creepy black cats with the swinging tails and moving eyes). MR. LI is reading the paper, while MRS. LI sips tea and drums her fingers on the table. A metal pot and two metals spoons are on the table.
The door opens as JENNA returns from school with her backpack hanging on one shoulder.)
JENNA: (nervously) Ma… Daddy… Um. Remember how you said it’d be okay to have a friend over for dinner tomorrow night? (MR. LI looks up from his paper. MRS. LI puts her cup of tea down. JENNA seats herself at the table.) Well. He’s. Not my friend.
MR. LI: What do you mean “not your friend”?
JENNA: He’s my…
MRS. LI: Tutor?
JENNA: No, Ma. He’s my… boyfriend.
(MR. and MRS. LI look at each other. MRS. LI nods at MR. LI. MR. LI hits the pot with his spoon.)
(JENNA exits on the same side she entered. MR. and MRS. LI read the paper and drink tea, respectively. JENNA enters, backpack slung on one shoulder.)
JENNA: (nervously) Ma… Daddy… Um. Remember how you said it’d be okay to have a friend over for dinner tomorrow night? (MR. LI looks up from his paper. MRS. LI puts her cup of tea down. JENNA seats herself at the table.) Well. He’s. Not my friend.
MR. LI: What do you mean “not your friend”?
JENNA: He’s my…
MRS. LI: Tutor?
JENNA: No, Ma. He’s my… we’re dating.
(MRS. LI hits the pot. MR. and MRS. LI read the paper and drink tea, respectively. Note that JENNA has not exited.)
JENNA: Remember how you said it’d be okay to have a friend over for dinner tomorrow night? (MR. LI looks up from his paper. MRS. LI puts her cup of tea down. JENNA seats herself at the table.) Well. He’s. Not my friend.
MR. LI: What do you mean “not your friend”?
JENNA: He’s my…
MRS. LI: Tutor?
JENNA: No, Ma. We’re… friends. With… benefits!
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: Is he your tutor?
JENNA: No, Ma. (deadpans) He’s the ambassador from China.
MR. LI: Oh, really? When is he coming?
(JENNA hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: Tutor?
JENNA: Friend who is a boy.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: Tutor?
JENNA: Guy friend.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: Tutor?
JENNA: Male friend.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: Tutor?
JENNA: Yeah! He helps me with math.
MR. LI: Why do you need help with math?
JENNA: Well… I think I’m going to get a C+…
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He helps me with Chinese.
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He’s helping me prepare for the calculus courses I’m taking in two years.
MR. LI: Oh, that’s good.
MRS. LI: How do you know him?
JENNA: I met him when I went to this crazy party last week and got totally wasted, but I told you I was sleeping over at Sandy’s house.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: How do you know him?
JENNA: Well, I’ve never actually met him, but he seemed really nice when I talked to him online.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: How do you know him?
JENNA: Oh, he’s one of those disgustingly smart people who hang out in the library.
MRS. LI: Oh, good. You can ask him for help.
JENNA: Yup.
MR. LI: So… What’s his name?
JENNA: Lance Cummings. (cue porno music)
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: Oh, good. You can ask him for help.
JENNA: Yup.
MR. LI: So… What’s his name?
JENNA: Well… His screen name is MasterChief1337.
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
MR. LI: So… What’s his name?
JENNA: Well… His screen name is Genius_AZN_Dragon.
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: Well, his screen name –
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
MR. LI: So, what’s his name?
JENNA: Tyrone Washington.
MRS. LI: Tyrone? That’s a strange name for a Chinese boy.
JENNA: Oh, he’s not Chinese. He’s black.
(MRS. LI and MR. LI lunge for the bell; MR. LI reaches it first and rings it six times.)
MR. LI: So, what’s his name?
JENNA: Jose Rodriguez.
MRS. LI: Rodriguez? That’s a strange name for a Chinese boy.
JENNA: Oh, he’s not Chinese. He’s Hispanic.
(MRS. LI hits the pot a few times [fewer than six].)
MR. LI: So, what’s his name?
JENNA: Jake McDonnell.
MRS. LI: McDonnell? That’s a strange name for a Chinese boy.
JENNA: Oh, he’s not Chinese. He’s white.
(MR. and MRS. LI look at each other. MR. LI shakes his head. MRS. LI gestures as if to say “Are you sure?” MR. LI shakes his head firmly. MRS. LI shrugs and hits the pot.)
MR. LI: So, what’s his name?
JENNA: Jeffrey.
MRS. LI: What’s his last name?
JENNA: Gonzalez.
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: Chan.
MRS. LI: Oh! Is he… Chinese?
JENNA: Umm…. I think he’s half, and half white.
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: Yeah, all Chinese.
MR. LI: Good. Interesting. What classes do you have with him?
JENNA: English, and then we have the same AP Economics teacher, but at different times.
MR. LI: What other classes does he take?
JENNA: Um… Home Economics. Look at this bag he crocheted for me!
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
MR. LI: What other classes does he take?
JENNA: Algebra 1.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MR. LI: What other classes does he take?
JENNA: Advanced dance.
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
MR. LI: What other classes does he take?
JENNA: AP Computer Science, AP Calculus, Calculus AB, Calculus BC, AP Physics, Computer Programming 1, Computer Programming 2… I think that’s it.
MRS. LI: So many AP classes! How does he do in school?
JENNA: I’m not sure… He doesn’t usually go to school.
(MRS. LI hits the pot vigorously.)
MRS. LI: So many AP classes! What’s his GPA?
JENNA: He’s got a 2.0.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: So many AP classes! What’s his GPA?
JENNA: I think 3.0.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: What’s his GPA?
JENNA: I think 3.87.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
MRS. LI: What’s his GPA?
JENNA: 4.0.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: 4.2.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: 4.5.
MRS. LI: Oh, that’s pretty good. But does he just study, study, study?
MR. LI: Doesn’t he play any sports?
JENNA: Well, he’s not on any of the school teams because he says the practice times will mess up his studying, but he is in the hip hop dance club.
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He is on the volleyball team.
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He is in the ping-pong club, and he plays intramural badminton.
MR. LI: Oh, ping-pong! Good sport. I used to play it in school.
MRS. LI: Yes, lots of running.
MR. LI: What else does he do?
JENNA: Uhh… well, he spends a lot of time practicing his juggling so he can fulfill his lifelong dream of joining the circus.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He likes to hang out in the shadier parts of the city and sell drugs. He makes a really quick buck off the hobos there, you know.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He gets up every morning at four so he can watch his heroes, the garbage men, doing their duty for the city.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He has women come in every weekend to pose nude for his sculptures.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He practices perfecting his makeup technique so he can be a female impersonator in Vegas.
(MR. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He drills in JROTC every day because he desperately wants to join the army.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He sits in front of his computer for hours at a time, dressed in camouflage, playing Counter Strike.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He’s very religious. He spends a lot of time at the synagogue.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He’s very religious. He spends a lot of time drawing pentacles.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He likes to listen to punk rock and heavy metal.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He goes in his bathroom and slits his wrists.
(MRS. LI hits the pot.)
JENNA: He wants to be a doctor, he volunteers at nursing homes, he’s president of the math club, he likes Tchaikovsky but says Bach is better, he sings karaoke… he plays the violin, too. And is really good at fixing computers.
MRS. LI: He seems like a nice boy.
MR. LI: What did you say his name was again?
JENNA: Jeffrey.
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