my ass is itchy, katurian

Internet, no one understands me like you do, and I really need a nonjudgmental audience right now. I want to tell you about a problem I have. It's difficult for me to admit, and I know it doesn't make any sense, but it's like an itch I need to scratch - an itch that I wish actually existed outside the safety of my embarrassing daydreams so I actually could scratch it, but I can't tell anyone because people will judge me. I know it's probably a bad decision because this relationship could never really warm up, but...

...I REALLY WANT KNIT SHORTS.

And I'm not talking jersey-cotton-spandex-knit yoga-running-lounge shorts. I'm talking woolly, ribbed, cabled, itchy, knit shorts. Like a sweater. For your butt. Like this lady, who seems to be rather enjoying the wonders of her cozy tush-hugger:

[via]

Listen, I know it doesn't make sense. Why bother wearing a sweater on your butt if its 0.5" inseam barely covers the lady parts, leaving the rest of your lower half susceptible to frostbite and selective hypothermia? Why encase your derriere in half a foot of rash-inducing material that will be completely inappropriate come spring? I DON'T KNOW, GUYS. But isn't it precious?

Above, H81 Cable Sweater Short, $16.90 at Forever21

COME TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[Post title either quoted or misquoted from memory, from The Pillowman.]

[Edit: I apologize to anyone this may have scarred.]