sweater vest of woe

Snippets of joy, via Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, retold by Sarah Rees Brennan:

HARRY: Here I am, randomly in a train station, reading the paper, scamming on the hottest waitress in the world.
HOTTEST WAITRESS IN THE WORLD: It's your lucky day, Harry Potter. I've always had a weakness for pasty younger men.
DUMBLEDORE: And now I arrive in a swirl of magic!
HARRY: I miss the days when magic arrived to rescue me from my abusive childhood, rather than to rescue me from hot waitresses.

DUMBLEDORE: So I'm taking you to visit a friend of mine I want something from. He enjoys underage celebrities. You're like a fruit basket.
HARRY: Cool.
DUMBLEDORE: Ah, my boy. Never have I been more grateful that you were raised so messed up.

FILCH: I have to go through all the student's trunks. Including Mr Malfoy, who has brought approximately seven trunks of clothing. And a walking stick.
DRACO: Don't touch my daddy's pimp cane! It is a sacred heirloom of the Malfoy line. And don't criticise my packing: this year I'm scheduled to have a dark night of the soul, and I have to be appropriately dressed!

HARRY: Ah Quidditch try-outs. Good to be young and single and fit, surveying my options on the stands. Quiet everyone-
CORMAC MCLAGGEN: Hey, I thought I'd introduce myself. My name's Cormac, and you've never seen me before because I just transferred into Gryffindor. I heard this was the go-to house if you're interested in getting some play this year .
HARRY: Yeah, I don't know how those rumours got started, dude, or well, I do, but the thing you have to understand is that I was young! Impressionable! And Cedric Diggory was all, 'Do I dazzle you?' and-

LAVENDER BROWN: The way to love a man is to radiate support and encouragement!
HERMIONE: The way to love a man is to use trickery and inflict brain damage on innocent bystanders.
SCENE: I think we're all clear on which romance is the real one here.

HARRY: You rang, headmaster?
DUMBLEDORE: Just wondering if you're single!
HARRY: ... Oh my God, what?
DUMBLEDORE: That a yes? Not tapping Hermione Granger on the sly?
HARRY: No! Oh my God, could this be any more inappropriate?
DUMBLEDORE: Excellent. Glad to know you're single. In a totally unrelated subject, I'd like you to cosy up to Professor Slughorn. Get some information out of him. Aaaany way you can think of.
HARRY: ... I see I asked a silly question.

HERMIONE: Look, here's Ginny! She looks eligible for marriage tonight, doesn't she?
HARRY: She is looking pretty foxy, actually, I'd like to-
HERMIONE: Sit your ass down, Harry Potter. If you like it then you'd better put a ring on it.

KATIE'S FRIEND: Katie, maybe taking packages from dudes in bathrooms isn't a good idea.
KATIE: Nonsense, I - AUGHAUGHAUGH.
HARRY: I blame Draco Malfoy, on account of how I saw him plotting evil, and then he told me he was plotting evil, and then I saw him at the scene of the crime looking shifty and wearing his hat of plotting evil!
MCGONAGALL: That's ridiculous, Mr Potter.
HARRY: It is not! You know how he likes to dress for the occasion!

RON: Oh my God, the big game. Oh my God, all eyes on me.
HARRY: As the Quidditch prodigy here there'll probably be a few eyes on-
SCENE: Pretty much all eyes on Ron, yep.
HARRY: No fair!
SCENE: You and your broom got enough play in Equus, my friend.

HARRY: Are you... doing okay, Hermione?
HERMIONE: Are you exhibiting interest in my feelings and my life apart from you, Harry?
HARRY: Yeah.
HERMIONE: ... Are you sure you're feeling quite well?

HERMIONE: Why oh why did I ask Cormac 'Busy Hands' McLaggen to the Christmas party?
HARRY: Is he disrespecting you, Hermione? I will kick his ass!
HERMIONE: You're not really the kind of man friend who beats up guys for me, Harry. More the kind of man friend who stands behind curtains with me and gossips about boys.

SNAPE: I want to protect you, Draco!
DRACO: You're not my father! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PIMP CANE.

MOVIE: Remember, ladies, Draco Malfoy is not your boyfriend!
AUDIENCE: Good thing that ladies are never attracted to dudes who lean artistically about the place and suffer eternal torment.

RON: Omigod Harry, I love Romilda Vane so much.
HARRY: Slughorn, Ron accidentally got into some chocolates for me that were filled with Love Potions, so-
SLUGHORN: How could you accuse me of such a thing, Harry?
HARRY: I was wondering if you could cure him, possibly?
SLUGHORN: Oh right. Totally.

SNAPE: I don't want to carry out your plans anymore! And I find your interest in the students' love lives truly inappropriate!
DUMBLEDORE: Severus! Don't you know this is a critical period in their lives - if you don't find mutual true love by the time you're seventeen, you'll end up bitter and alone, weeping over your shattered dreams, only washing your hair on the anniversary of their deaths...
SNAPE: ...
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, right.

SCENE: Even Draco's hair has now entered a spiral of depression.
DRACO'S HAIR: Tiny Ruffled Bangs of Misery.

HARRY: Guys, do you think if I drugged myself I could get Slughorn to talk to me?
HERMIONE: Don't you mean, if you drugged him-
HARRY: No.

HARRY: Heyyyy Slughorn.
SLUGHORN: Uh, have the ladies been dosing you again?
HARRY: NAH. I just feel REALLY AWESOME. Hey, let's take a WALK. Just you and a young celebrity and NATURE, what do you say?
SLUGHORN: That sounds inappropriate. I'm in!
HARRY: Just you and a young celebrity and a giant man and a giant spider and a copious amount of alcohol, how about it?
SLUGHORN: Wow, when you go for inappropriate, you really go all out!
HARRY: I AM the Chosen One.

HARRY: Remember the inappropriate gift my mom gave you? You should tell me all about that incriminating talk you had with Voldemort, or the fish bowl - which is like your heart - will remain always empty. Because a fish that was a petal that was symbolically my mom won't be there. Because the fish that was a petal that was my mother is also your courage. In the fishbowl. That is your heart.
SLUGHORN: Huh?
HARRY: SYMBOLISM. If you'd been paying attention to the Draco Malfoy scenes, you'd know it was important.

HARRY: So Katie, I'm glad you're alive, and all-
KATIE: Draco Malfoy.
HARRY: I KNEW it.
KATIE: Is right behind you. You know, it's funny.
HARRY: The way he totally almost killed you?
KATIE: No, the way all the other students are wearing jumpers...
DRACO: *is wearing the Sweater Vest of Woe*

HARRY: I know you're in this bathroom, Malfoy! I've seen the Tiny Ruffled Bangs of Misery! I've seen the Sweater Vest of Woe! I know EVERYTHING-
DRACO: I am so wretched I have even wrenched off the Sweater Vest of Woe, further disarranging the Ruffled Bangs of Misery! Nothing can make my life worse!
HARRY: Oh, wow. Awkward.
DRACO: Seems I was mistaken.
HARRY: Gosh, I'm taken aback.
DRACO: By my EVIL?
HARRY: No, that I had pretty much figured out, I just thought you'd be dealing with your evil in a more manly way.
DRACO: What about my generally ineffectual drama queen routine of the last six years gave you that idea?