garner some pastries (& Finding God)

Something I wore weeks ago. The only reason I put this on is because I saw a girl with combat boots, and I was like, Hey! I have boots like that! And her jeans were cuffed over them instead of tucked into them, and I was like, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

So I went home and tried to be just like her.


Jacket: mother's, H&M. Pink thermal: Old Navy, gift. Jeans: Levi's 518. Boots: Steven by Steve Madden.

Here's another script. I think I was 16 when I wrote this. This was performed. I am dissatisfied with the overall shape of this script, but I'm happy with a lot of the back-and-forthing, so I guess that makes up for it.

This was not intended to be offensive.


(GOD is a disembodied voice. Spotlight on DAVID, on empty stage. For a while, DAVID tries to clap rhythmically, but he is completely off-beat.)

DAVID: God, I just can't get it right!

GOD: What is wrong, David?

DAVID: What - Who are you?

GOD: I am God.

DAVID: I thought God had taken a sick leave and all hope for peace was gone. That's what the papers said.

GOD: Well, now I have returned.

DAVID: Where are you, God?

GOD: I am here, David.

DAVID: But, God... If you are here, then where am I?

GOD: You are here, David.

DAVID: How can we both be here?

GOD: That is neither here nor there.

DAVID: In any case, God, as long as we're both here, could you help me out with something?

GOD: But of course. Ask away.

DAVID: Well, you see, I have a sort of problem...

GOD: What sort of problem, David?

DAVID: I don't know. It's just that...Sometimes I feel like something's missing in my life.

GOD: And what is that, David? What is missing?

DAVID: I don't really know, God. It's not you, because you're right here.

GOD: Never forget that, child. Never forget that.

DAVID: No, it's something more... tangible.

GOD: David, do you feel that you are missing something very much like... a soul mate?

DAVID: That's exactly it, God!

GOD: Haven't your parents told you about the -

DAVID: But, God, I don't have parents.

GOD: Yes you do. Are you trying to say - Wait a minute. What number are you again?

DAVID: 8396127050.

GOD: Ah. Yes. But hasn't anyone ever told you about the birds and the bees?

DAVID: God, I'm the only person on earth.

GOD: But surely you've heard about the facts of life.

DAVID: No, God. I've never heard about them.

GOD: Are you sure that was your number? Shouldn't your name be Adam or something?

DAVID: No. (checks in pants) No, I'm quite sure my name is David.

GOD: But if you're the only person on earth, shouldn't your name be Adam? And shouldn't your number be 1?

DAVID: Of course not. You're number one, God. And my name is David.

GOD: But the first Man is to be named Adam. It said so in the instruction manual.

DAVID: And he was named Adam.

GOD: But... You don't mean to tell me...

DAVID: I'm afraid so.

GOD: You're not the first Man?

DAVID: God, no.

GOD: And you're the only Man on earth?

DAVID: Well, my God! Everyone else is gone!

GOD: Everyone else... but how did this happen?

DAVID: Nuclear holocaust!

GOD: What? I leave earth to its own devices for a few years, and you humans have a nuclear war?

DAVID: Well, you can't just have two world wars... that's so last apocalypse.

GOD: You wiped out the world's population?

DAVID: Hey, you say that like I did it.

GOD: Didn't you?

DAVID: Well, I'm the only one left. I don't think I did it, but all evidence says otherwise.

GOD: And how old are you, David?

DAVID: I don't know. I don't remember being born.

GOD: Well of course you don't remember being born...

DAVID: No, I mean, I don't think I was even born.

GOD: Of course you were. Everyone was born.

DAVID: Actually, God, I think I was formed when an amorphous clump of radioactive waste leaked into the bioengineering plant. The top-secret one in Guatemala.

GOD: Oh.

DAVID: So technically, I wasn't born.

GOD: But that means those scientists in Guatemala were trying to do what I do... to... be me.

DAVID: Yup. They were trying to play God.

GOD: And...

DAVID: You got played, God.

GOD: So I didn't actually make you.

DAVID: I don't think so.

GOD: And you're the only human left.

DAVID: That's right.

GOD: Well. Want to play a game of gin?

DAVID: I was hoping you could help me out first.

GOD: Oh. Of course. What was it you needed again?

DAVID: Well, I feel like I'm missing something.

GOD: Ah, yes. I think I know what you need.

DAVID: What is it, God?

GOD: Oh, just - just close your eyes and relax for a little while...

(DAVID goes to sleep. Spotlight fades out. Fade in two spotlights, one on DAVID and one on RACHEL. DAVID and RACHEL wake up.)

DAVID: Wha - What.. What are you?

RACHEL: I'm here to make your life better.

DAVID: You look like me... but different.

RACHEL: That's right. I'm here to make your life better.

DAVID: How will you make my life better?

RACHEL: In many ways. I'm here to make your life better.

DAVID: Don't you say anything else?

RACHEL: Of course. I'm here to make your life better.

DAVID: I'm David.

RACHEL: I'm Rachel. I'm here to make your life better.

DAVID: Hold on for a second, won't you? (Comes downstage.) God! GOD!

GOD: What is it?

DAVID: This isn't really what I had in mind.

GOD: But I just made a Woman. Woman is Man's companion.

DAVID: But I don't want a Woman. I want a - a - I don't even know what it's called.

GOD: You want something more tangible than a Woman?

DAVID: Yes! No! It's not as tangible as a Woman -

GOD: You want riches, don't you? Well if you ain't got no money, take your broke -

DAVID: No! It's not as tangible as a Woman, but it is tangible. In... In my soul.

GOD: Ah... I think I understand.

DAVID: So... so you can give me what I need?

GOD: Yes, David. Now go to sleep.

DAVID: Thank you, God!

(DAVID lies down to go to sleep.)


GOD: Yes, David?

DAVID: Can I have my lower rib back?

GOD: Yes, David. Go to sleep.

(DAVID sleeps. The spotlights fade out. Single spotlight on DAVID fades back in. DAVID now has a person dressed as a SHADOW acting as his shadow. DAVID and SHADOW are still sleeping.)

GOD: David. (Pause.) DAVID.

DAVID: (wakes up with a start) Ahh! God?

GOD: How do you feel?

DAVID: I... (stretches) I feel...

(DAVID gets up and walks around a little bit, the SHADOW mimicking his every move.)

DAVID: I feel like...

(DAVID scratches his head, and the SHADOW does the same.)

DAVID: I feel like... I'm not alone.

GOD: You're never alone, David.

DAVID: I know, God. But I feel like something is... following me.

GOD: It's your shadow, David.

DAVID: My.. shadow?

GOD: It's what you wanted, isn't it? A shadow? To follow you wherever you go?

DAVID: Wherever I go? I feel... violated.

GOD: It's a part of you, David.

DAVID: It... It feels unnatural. I don't think I want a shadow.

GOD: Come now, David. A shadow is perfectly natural.

DAVID: I don't think radioactive Men are meant to have shadows. Can you take it away?

GOD: Are you sure about that, David? You'd be throwing away something precious... A part of you.

DAVID: I'm sure, God. It's not a shadow I need. It's... (makes a feeble gesture)

GOD: Not a Woman and not a shadow? Then there's only one thing left you can possibly want. And I suppose you must have it.

DAVID: So this time... this time it's going to happen?

GOD: Yes. Yes, David. It is going to happen.

DAVID: Oh, God, can it be true?

GOD: Yes, David.

DAVID: Thanks be to God!

GOD: David... just lie down and go to sleep.

DAVID: Anything for you, God!

(GOD sighs. DAVID goes to sleep. Spotlight fades out. Fade in spotlight on DAVID. He is tossing and turning in his sleep.)
GOD: David?


GOD: David! Wake up. You're dreaming.

DAVID: No! God, NO! (Wakes up.) God! God, you can't let them do this to me.

GOD: David.

DAVID: Don't let them put that -

GOD: David.

DAVID: I won't let them! I won't!


DAVID: Huh? (calms down) Oh.

GOD: Feel better?

DAVID: Oh. Yeah. (wriggles in discomfort) What is that?

GOD: What is what, David?

DAVID: (Wriggles more.) That. What is that?

GOD: What do you mean, David?

DAVID: What is that thing down there?

GOD: That, David, is the greatest gift a Man can have or give. That, David, gives you purpose in life. That, David, is the center of all decision-making, the proof of your masculinity, the -


GOD: The power to perpetuate life, the power to express love -

DAVID: No! No no no no no!

GOD: No? NO?

DAVID: No, God, no! No! There's more to life than having a credit card! (pulls credit card out of pants or from under covers) God, don't you understand? There are some things in life that money can't buy.

GOD: But for everything else -

DAVID: I can't accept this.

GOD: But why not, David?

DAVID: There's nothing wrong with it. Thank you - I am grateful for it! I am! It's just that...

GOD: Just that... you were looking for something more.

DAVID: Something rarer.

GOD: Something less tangible.

DAVID: Something... magical.

GOD: ...Are you sure you wouldn't like to keep it?

DAVID: ...That's up to you, God. I'm going to sleep now.

GOD: I'll get it right this time, David.

DAVID: Thanks, God.

(DAVID sleeps. The spotlight fades out. The spotlight fades back in. DAVID sits up and looks around. Experimentally, he snaps his fingers. He snaps again. And again and again, until he's snapping out a beat. He sings for a little while, growing more and more excited with every measure.)

DAVID: I... I've got rhythm! THANK YOU, GOD!


DAVID: God? (Silence.) ...God? God? God, are you away again?

(DAVID backs away from the audience and huddles to one side. He hugs his knees and rocks back and forth, quietly singing something forlorn. Fade out.)
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