So I am really, truly, not up for reading right now, though I know I'm going to regret it later. I would just like to say that unlike Stephanie at fashion robot and exactly like Miss Couturable, I attend an extremely academic high school and there is virtually no place in my life for sneaking out of the house, partying, or, uh, living in general.

So I am going to ramble about college, and feel free to skip this and go to the outfit at the end of this post.

I go to a high school of procrastinators. We are brilliant at procrastinating, but whatever we cobble together ends up being fantastic. Usually. I hope. Supposedly students who come back after a year in college almost always tell the teachers how much their high school experience prepared them for college. They better be freaking right. I'm not losing years of my life by not sleeping just so I can fail. Please, someone, tell me that sleeping three hours a night for a week, or sleeping five hours a night on average, or being happy that I managed to schedule my classes "illegally" so I had no lunch period or breaks so I could take more classes, or having friends for whom taking 5 APs is the norm and 8 APs is coveted, please, please tell me that this is going to be worth something. Because if not, I just wasted four years of my life.

Speaking of wasted time, I applied to only UCs, and only "Irvine and higher" as my friend puts it. Irvine, Davis, San Diego, Cal, and LA. I still can't believe myself because I applied to LA as a Theater Production/Design major. I had to bring in a portfolio to my interview. I might post pictures of the actual contents in the future, but for now, here's the aftermath, AFTER moderate cleanup:

That was me cobbling everything together, gluing things down, printing labels, taping everything, aligning, making cover pages - in the last 48 hours before my interview. All the contents were ready for a long time. It was just the presentation I had to get right. But I worked on that damn thing, and I wrote the damn essay back in December. I had been working on that thing for three months. Three months of stressing and worrying and getting my friends to help and my teachers volunteering their help and being pissed off and unsure of myself, all for a fifteen minute interview that didn't seem to go very well.

So was it worth it? I don't know. I'm not even sure if it's what I really want to do. But the applications are in.

I already know I'm going to college (Irvine), so I shouldn't be so worried, and I keep telling myself that, especially since I'd be perfectly okay with going to UCI, especially since I'd have a semi-free ride and I'd get to live in Middle Earth the Shire (pardon my ignorance). But still. Right now, I'm a fairly good-sized fish in a big pond. If I go to UCI I'll be a big fish in a little pond. If I get into Cal, I'll be a little fish in a big pond. I'm not cut out for academics for the rest of my life. While my GPA is some testament to what I can do, I can't help but feel this is pointless. I'm going to find work somewhere and end up happy doing whatever I do, and college isn't the biggest factor in how my life plays out. I AM proud of my academic record, but really, it's not much to brag about when most of your friends find anything lower than about an unweighted 3.7 to be disgraceful and a 4.5 weighted isn't unusual. High school is a big pond. If I don't get into Cal or UCLA, it'll almost be a relief because Irvine is so much... smaller. Friendlier. Cozier.

But at the same time, it'd be nice to know I'm Good Enough. Because I really, truly, honestly do judge myself by how well I do in school. It sounds pretty pathetic, but it's true.

One of my biggest nightmares right now is my hypothetically getting into both Cal and UCLA. Then what do I do? Choose Cal, which will be a repeat of high school, both in environment, and academic stress? Or LA, where I'm questioning the major I chose? True, if I got into LA's theater program I'd be 1/65. Little fish, but little pond. I don't know. Self-doubt is rampant senior year. You know how people say junior year is hell? I'd have to disagree. Junior year was good for me. I pushed myself academically. There was a shitload of stuff to do, but I knew how to handle it. It was just school. But senior year, there's a shitload of stuff to do, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm not an adult. I'm a kid. I'm a kid, and I'm a student, and that's all I know how to be.

Is this what getting an education is about?

And now... last week's outfit, in which I ate greasy diner food and then walked a park forest trail, in monochrome as so many bloggers have done in the past month or so, because I jump on bandwagons late:

Above, purple zebra-print turtleneck: mother's. Skirt: was once a t-shirt + a strip of elastic, Frankenstein'd by me. Tights: generic drugstore brand. Socks: gift. I'm actually wearing purple sunglasses, too. And my trusty Fornarinas, which were overpriced but have now been beat up from being worn so many times (cost per wear: free?), below:

And now, I'm going to continue being a student and read Dubliners.
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